I should be asleep

I know that I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning when I'm cranky from sleeping late.  But the one thing about sleeping is that when you wake up you need to get ready for work.  I suppose I'm just delaying the inevitable.  I wonder who looks forward to going to work.  I certainly don't dread it, but I don't leap out of bed raring to go every (or any) morning.  Is that a sign?  I keep asking this question lately and I don't even know why, because I don't believe in "signs".  Maybe I should rephrase the question to "Is this an indicator of the existence of an underlying problem?"  Again, maybe I'm analysing this too much.

I had a lovely day off today.  Bad hours at work over the past couple of weeks meant that I scored a day in lieu.  Had lunch at Box Hill and went shopping.  I'd forgotten how calm it was going to shopping centres on a weekday during office hours.  The crowd is mainly pregnant women, mothers with kids, and old people. It was just very pleasant.  No one was rushing, most people seemed to be in a good mood.  Such a change from corporate life in the CBD.  I'm starting to understand why climbing the corporate ladder at a high-profile company isn't for everyone.  It's stressful, it has bad hours, the commute is long, so unless you're doing something you love, why put yourself through all of that.  Instead, have a stress-free job with good hours, and if the work isn't stimulating, well, it's only your day job anyway and you're back home before 6pm and don't have to think about work until 9am the next day.  I recognise that my priorities are changing - I used to be so motivated.  I'm just unsure what my priorities are right now.  I am thinking of applying for a different job, but not sure where to apply.  I think it's too early to "settle down" for a comfortable job, but I don't think that I can handle the stress of another consulting company. 

Quarter life crisis, here I am.

Darrgh, it's Sunday night already.

Still sick today.  Am feeling ok except for having a stuffy nose and a bit of light headedness.  Stuffy nose makes me sound terribly sick though; as a result I am thinking about working from home tomorrow.

What I was more concerned about today was the two pincer-like marks on my left hand, which look like the result of a spider bite.  It's a little swollen and itchy and numb around the area, and ever since I noticed the marks early this afternoon, I've been having dramatic visualisations of death-by-spiderbite.  Which led me to think: if you knew you were about to die, would you clean up your act so that you would be perceieved different to how you really are?  For example, would you follow through on something you promised you would do, clean up your house, in general be a nicer person?  And if you would change, what does that say about you?  Does it imply you are looking to please?  Maybe it's human nature to want to be liked.  Perhaps, therefore, it is unfair that some people do know when they are going to die and some don't.  Or maybe I am reading too much into this.

Went blog hopping earlier and I was intrigued by the range of blog topics including religious (Christian, Mormon), Arts and Crafts (sewing, beading, patchwork), family (especially those with young kids), and single 20-somethings blogging about their everyday life.  I guess I fall into the last category... what a cliche.

Spent the day attempting to clean my room.   Most of the clothes are off the floor (two washing loads later) and still it's looking like a bomb site.  It's mainly paper and random things to clean up now, but it's in the hardest stage now (going by the 80-20 rule).  My room hasn't been spotless since before I went to Europe in October 2008.  (Which means, it hasn't been properly vacuumed since then... oh sheesh - I really need to properly clean this time!

In the spirit of PostSecret Sundays, here's one from me:  While I do enjoy fiction for "grown-ups", when I'm searching for a fun read, I can't go past children/teenage fiction books.  Enid Blyton - you were and still are the shizz.

Exhaustion. Sleep - come to me now...

Boo.  Sick with a cold. Spent the day alternating between the lounge room and bed.  Utter exhaustion.

Had dinner at Bar Lourinha yesterday.  It was packed as usual but not as packed as I was expecting for a Friday night.  Only had to wait for around 20 minutes, and we had drink on the couches which meant the time went quickly!  Food was good, but not as mind-blowingly excellent as I'd remembered. We had prawns in butter, whole sardines, lamb and israeli couscous, creamy mushrooms, mussels, a baked chorizo and egg dish, and churros for dessert.  The mushrooms were fantastic - button mushrooms fried in cream and finished with a crunchy garlicky breadcrumb mix - superb.  Sardines were a bit terrible to eat, although the second try was better once we removed the backbone.  Prawns were just ok - too big for eating in the shell, but too small really to be worth the effort to peel and eat.  The mussels were probably the winner for the night - they were plump and juicy and came in a tangy white wine/cream sauce. 

Parentals went out partying tonight, so had dinner with bro at Yami Yami.  Interesting dynamics now, we get on better than we used to.  I guess it shows that we're all grown up now.

So tired.

So tired today.

Had lunch with Sara.  Groove Train's just opened so we went there.  It was packed!  Surprising how many businesses are being sustained predominantly by the people working in the building.  Degani's is right next to Groove Train and has a bike shop too.  Unusual and a well thought through concept!  So at Groove Train we both ordered Chicken Parmas.  I hadn't had a parma in forever, but it was bad.  Soggy, cheesy, the sauce was on top of the cheese (wtf?) and it was placed on top of the chips! I did the quick transfer to move the parma on top of the salad, but there weren't many crispy chips left.

I think I'm coming down with a cold or something, I'm just so tired and have that feeling in my nose.  Hope i can stay healthy for the weekend, not that anything big is happening, but it's the weekend! I'm going to try and sleep it off now!
 

Humanity, my lack of.

Weird, weird day.

Spent most of the day prepping, attending and completing follow-up work for a scheduling workshop. 

Met Peter for lunch downstairs.  So good to catch up - it seemed like nothing had changed even though he lives halfway around the world.  Wonder if he knows that I had a crush on him in first year uni?  Hah!  Seems an eternity ago now.

Had a salad for lunch from in-a-rush. Bean and chorizo salad was a winner!  Creamy tangy beans mixed with salty chorizo and bacon... yum!  No more rocket salad for me.

Later in the afternoon, B asks me to come downstairs to pick up some flowers from the concierge as it's her birthday today. Mailroom is closed, concierge guy is an unhelpful ass, and as we walk away and B bursts into tears saying that she's not coping with the job, with personal issues.

I hate when people cry, it makes me feel really uncomfortable.  Doing the "comforting thing" doesn't come naturally to me; i never know the right thing to say.  Similar to when babies are around - I think they're cute, but only from afar.  And it doesn't mean that I want to hold it or have an urge to pop one out of my own in, say, nine months from now!  Maybe my humanity gene is faulty.  I think some people are just naturally people people, and some people are not.  I, clearly, am not!

Actually, the world is flat.

So not in the mood for work, for play, for life. 

I've lost my mojo.

Relationship musings

I love the idea of being in a relationship, but at the first sign of something actually starting, I freak out, effectively eliminating any chance of actually having one. Am I screwed up or what? 

I envy couples a lot. You never need to be alone in a social situation, you’re confident because you know someone really likes you and finds you attractive, you can discuss random things without worrying if the other person thinks you’re weird, you never feel like a tag-along. I could go on.

But then I like a boy and everything changes. I get weirded out by the lack of privacy and independence and I worry that the boy doesn’t like me as much as I like him.  Are these signs of insecurity?  Probably. Do I know how to change?  No.  Do I want to be in a relationship?  Yes – to the right guy.  Am I worried about growing old alone?  No. 

I'm sailing on a boat on the deep blue sea...

Boys, dysfunctional relationships with - tick.

I'm not ok now, but I will be. I just wish he'd had the decency to tell me to my face. I'm still glad I went - now I just need to move on. I feel so alone.

 Things I learnt last night:
- Boats can seem incredibly small to be stuck on for four hours.
- Whoever invented cheap wine should be shot.
- The bar on a boat cruise should not run out of alcohol. It should also serve more than cheap wine, VB and Coles sparkling mineral water.
- If you don't mention the obvious in an awkward situation, it just goes away. Apparently.

That is all.