Awkward situations often are the result of somone being an asshat ("AH").  AHs, like most rational people, try to avoid confrontation where they can.  In this case, confrontation in the form of the other person asking why the AH was in fact an AH.  This implies that the AH has some sort of conscience, even if AH did do asshatty things.

I don't think I have a point to this.  It's late and I'm going to sleep.  

Somthing is not quite right.

Lately I keep having all these negative thoughts. It feels like nothing is going right - at work, with the family, with social relationships.  There are times I just want to say "fuck you" to the world, no matter how immature that might sound.  I think i should have grown up by now, but I often feel that I'm failing at life.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again.

I just feel fucking shit.

I keep telling myself that it meant nothing.  In fact "it" was really a non event.  But whenever I see him I get this awful pang in my stomach.  If it meant nothing then why does it feel so awkward?  I am an adult now and should be able to deal with it. 

I know whatever it was meant more than me than to him, so why can't we be friends?  Why is he avoiding me?  Maybe guys and girls really can't be friends after becoming somewhat more than friends.  Saw him at Y's farewell drinks last night, with his girlfriend (I presume) which is fine.  I have no issues with her or the fact that I maybe liked him more than he liked me.  But why couldn't he have told me that he didn't fancy me to my face?  That's the issue here.  The sucky thing about the situation is that I've lost a friend.

I should be asleep

I know that I'm going to regret this tomorrow morning when I'm cranky from sleeping late.  But the one thing about sleeping is that when you wake up you need to get ready for work.  I suppose I'm just delaying the inevitable.  I wonder who looks forward to going to work.  I certainly don't dread it, but I don't leap out of bed raring to go every (or any) morning.  Is that a sign?  I keep asking this question lately and I don't even know why, because I don't believe in "signs".  Maybe I should rephrase the question to "Is this an indicator of the existence of an underlying problem?"  Again, maybe I'm analysing this too much.

I had a lovely day off today.  Bad hours at work over the past couple of weeks meant that I scored a day in lieu.  Had lunch at Box Hill and went shopping.  I'd forgotten how calm it was going to shopping centres on a weekday during office hours.  The crowd is mainly pregnant women, mothers with kids, and old people. It was just very pleasant.  No one was rushing, most people seemed to be in a good mood.  Such a change from corporate life in the CBD.  I'm starting to understand why climbing the corporate ladder at a high-profile company isn't for everyone.  It's stressful, it has bad hours, the commute is long, so unless you're doing something you love, why put yourself through all of that.  Instead, have a stress-free job with good hours, and if the work isn't stimulating, well, it's only your day job anyway and you're back home before 6pm and don't have to think about work until 9am the next day.  I recognise that my priorities are changing - I used to be so motivated.  I'm just unsure what my priorities are right now.  I am thinking of applying for a different job, but not sure where to apply.  I think it's too early to "settle down" for a comfortable job, but I don't think that I can handle the stress of another consulting company. 

Quarter life crisis, here I am.

Darrgh, it's Sunday night already.

Still sick today.  Am feeling ok except for having a stuffy nose and a bit of light headedness.  Stuffy nose makes me sound terribly sick though; as a result I am thinking about working from home tomorrow.

What I was more concerned about today was the two pincer-like marks on my left hand, which look like the result of a spider bite.  It's a little swollen and itchy and numb around the area, and ever since I noticed the marks early this afternoon, I've been having dramatic visualisations of death-by-spiderbite.  Which led me to think: if you knew you were about to die, would you clean up your act so that you would be perceieved different to how you really are?  For example, would you follow through on something you promised you would do, clean up your house, in general be a nicer person?  And if you would change, what does that say about you?  Does it imply you are looking to please?  Maybe it's human nature to want to be liked.  Perhaps, therefore, it is unfair that some people do know when they are going to die and some don't.  Or maybe I am reading too much into this.

Went blog hopping earlier and I was intrigued by the range of blog topics including religious (Christian, Mormon), Arts and Crafts (sewing, beading, patchwork), family (especially those with young kids), and single 20-somethings blogging about their everyday life.  I guess I fall into the last category... what a cliche.

Spent the day attempting to clean my room.   Most of the clothes are off the floor (two washing loads later) and still it's looking like a bomb site.  It's mainly paper and random things to clean up now, but it's in the hardest stage now (going by the 80-20 rule).  My room hasn't been spotless since before I went to Europe in October 2008.  (Which means, it hasn't been properly vacuumed since then... oh sheesh - I really need to properly clean this time!

In the spirit of PostSecret Sundays, here's one from me:  While I do enjoy fiction for "grown-ups", when I'm searching for a fun read, I can't go past children/teenage fiction books.  Enid Blyton - you were and still are the shizz.

Exhaustion. Sleep - come to me now...

Boo.  Sick with a cold. Spent the day alternating between the lounge room and bed.  Utter exhaustion.

Had dinner at Bar Lourinha yesterday.  It was packed as usual but not as packed as I was expecting for a Friday night.  Only had to wait for around 20 minutes, and we had drink on the couches which meant the time went quickly!  Food was good, but not as mind-blowingly excellent as I'd remembered. We had prawns in butter, whole sardines, lamb and israeli couscous, creamy mushrooms, mussels, a baked chorizo and egg dish, and churros for dessert.  The mushrooms were fantastic - button mushrooms fried in cream and finished with a crunchy garlicky breadcrumb mix - superb.  Sardines were a bit terrible to eat, although the second try was better once we removed the backbone.  Prawns were just ok - too big for eating in the shell, but too small really to be worth the effort to peel and eat.  The mussels were probably the winner for the night - they were plump and juicy and came in a tangy white wine/cream sauce. 

Parentals went out partying tonight, so had dinner with bro at Yami Yami.  Interesting dynamics now, we get on better than we used to.  I guess it shows that we're all grown up now.

So tired.

So tired today.

Had lunch with Sara.  Groove Train's just opened so we went there.  It was packed!  Surprising how many businesses are being sustained predominantly by the people working in the building.  Degani's is right next to Groove Train and has a bike shop too.  Unusual and a well thought through concept!  So at Groove Train we both ordered Chicken Parmas.  I hadn't had a parma in forever, but it was bad.  Soggy, cheesy, the sauce was on top of the cheese (wtf?) and it was placed on top of the chips! I did the quick transfer to move the parma on top of the salad, but there weren't many crispy chips left.

I think I'm coming down with a cold or something, I'm just so tired and have that feeling in my nose.  Hope i can stay healthy for the weekend, not that anything big is happening, but it's the weekend! I'm going to try and sleep it off now!
 

Humanity, my lack of.

Weird, weird day.

Spent most of the day prepping, attending and completing follow-up work for a scheduling workshop. 

Met Peter for lunch downstairs.  So good to catch up - it seemed like nothing had changed even though he lives halfway around the world.  Wonder if he knows that I had a crush on him in first year uni?  Hah!  Seems an eternity ago now.

Had a salad for lunch from in-a-rush. Bean and chorizo salad was a winner!  Creamy tangy beans mixed with salty chorizo and bacon... yum!  No more rocket salad for me.

Later in the afternoon, B asks me to come downstairs to pick up some flowers from the concierge as it's her birthday today. Mailroom is closed, concierge guy is an unhelpful ass, and as we walk away and B bursts into tears saying that she's not coping with the job, with personal issues.

I hate when people cry, it makes me feel really uncomfortable.  Doing the "comforting thing" doesn't come naturally to me; i never know the right thing to say.  Similar to when babies are around - I think they're cute, but only from afar.  And it doesn't mean that I want to hold it or have an urge to pop one out of my own in, say, nine months from now!  Maybe my humanity gene is faulty.  I think some people are just naturally people people, and some people are not.  I, clearly, am not!

Actually, the world is flat.

So not in the mood for work, for play, for life. 

I've lost my mojo.

Relationship musings

I love the idea of being in a relationship, but at the first sign of something actually starting, I freak out, effectively eliminating any chance of actually having one. Am I screwed up or what? 

I envy couples a lot. You never need to be alone in a social situation, you’re confident because you know someone really likes you and finds you attractive, you can discuss random things without worrying if the other person thinks you’re weird, you never feel like a tag-along. I could go on.

But then I like a boy and everything changes. I get weirded out by the lack of privacy and independence and I worry that the boy doesn’t like me as much as I like him.  Are these signs of insecurity?  Probably. Do I know how to change?  No.  Do I want to be in a relationship?  Yes – to the right guy.  Am I worried about growing old alone?  No. 

I'm sailing on a boat on the deep blue sea...

Boys, dysfunctional relationships with - tick.

I'm not ok now, but I will be. I just wish he'd had the decency to tell me to my face. I'm still glad I went - now I just need to move on. I feel so alone.

 Things I learnt last night:
- Boats can seem incredibly small to be stuck on for four hours.
- Whoever invented cheap wine should be shot.
- The bar on a boat cruise should not run out of alcohol. It should also serve more than cheap wine, VB and Coles sparkling mineral water.
- If you don't mention the obvious in an awkward situation, it just goes away. Apparently.

That is all.

Queen Vic Night Market

Went to the Queen Vic night market with Azuo after work. Left my phone at home, so it was the worst – we arranged to meet up like in the olden days – setting a time and place, and (shock, horror) it actually worked out ok! It’s a bad sign to feel so lost without a phone.

Night market was awesome; there were two aisles full of food stalls, ranging from Mauritian to seafood, Dutch pancakes, Thai, Indian, African, Bratwurst and a lot of Spanish! We had a plate of Spanish seafood stew and a mix of Indian vegetarian curries with pakora, roti and rice. They were both YUM! We spied some people drinking sangria, so naturally had a cup of that each as well. Interesting I thought that they sold white sangria, since I’d only ever seen the red wine version before. Next time I want to try the corn fritters and the couscous (everyone knows I do like couscous!).

There were also normal market stalls, selling different things to what you’d usually see on a typical market day. My theory was that the stall holders are cluey enough to realise that on a typical market day the crowd is mainly tourists (who want cheap tacky things) and the unemployed (who want cheap things). Some of the stalls at the night market included – fisherman pants, badges, witch mobiles that cackled when you clap under them (endless fun!), cocktails in a cask to name a few.

I am starting to think that the night market may need to be a weekly thing.

Boys are weird.

Why are most of my guy friend relationships totally insane and screwed up? That is all I am wondering right now.

Holidays over, back to work.

First day back at work today. Erk. Was struggling by about 10am. Luckily it was fairly quiet, the day mainly consisted of following up action items opened last week (yes, some people actually worked over the Christmas/NY week, including JP the Snr Exec I work with... sheesh! :-P).

I'm watching Iron Chef America on TV. Jamie O is the challenger and Genaro is his sous chef! I think I prefer the original Japanese version - the English dubbing of the commentary is hilarious. It's interesting in this version that the chefs have more interaction and they respond to the commentators when there is confusion on what the dishes are about. The ingredient today is 'Cobia' - a type of fish that apparently handles and tastes very similar to sea bass. And the chef who reigns supreme is.... not Jamie O.

I don't usually make any New Years resolutions but this year I've got a few:
- Learn to cook
- Learn to make cocktails
- Learn Mandarin
- Make the gym membership worthwhile
- Maintain this blog

Good luck to me!

Yum Cha and St Kilda

This week seems to be revolved around eating! Alissa organised a last-minute Yum Cha so headed to Gold Leaf on Burwood Hwy for a quick 1hr session with the Com gang. The parking situation there is shocking, I stalked a couple and managed to get a park ok. Service was efficient and the food came out quickly. A downside was that we didn't see much variety in the 1hr we were there - we missed some of the staples such as steamed bbq pork buns, sticky rice, footballs, radish cakes, ginger prawns. Quality was ok, and the bill ended up being a reasonable $18pp.

The plan afterwards was to go Salsa dancing at the St Kilda Sea Baths. Elaine had heard through friends that they were running salsa classes on Sunday afternoons so we thought we'd suss out the situation. It was the same gang as at Kelvin's pot luck night - Azuo, Elaine, Kelv, Dave and Kenny. So the salsa class started at 5pm and was $15. We decided to skip the class, get something to eat and come back for the open social dancing session at 6pm. After chilling in the Beachcomber cafe, we returned to the social session to find that the dance floor was packed with awesome salsa dancers!! Clearly we were not going to be able to cut it - it was mutually decided that we'd all go salsa classes and return when we actually knew what we were doing! Onto the list it goes!

We trekked to Ackland St to get a take-home pack of gelati from 7 apples and sat next to the beach eating ice-cream - yum! Kenny is full of interesting through-provoking subjects to start conversations; we have been having all these random discussions and it is all very amusing.

Eating and more eating

Had lunch with Sylvia, Breanna and Alison at Tien Dat. Was good to catch up - hadn't seen Alison since before she left for Japan in September, and Sylvia since early November. I'm more convinced than ever that Japan is somewhere I want to visit soon. Also on the list at the moment are Hong Kong, Korea, Thailand, Morocco, Spain, and the east coast of the US. Depressing that I don't have any annual leave right now, but potentially could go a holiday this time next year. Something to plan ahead for in any case.

Went for dinner with Rob at Bluestone, it was fair. Atmosphere was a bit old - the restaurant was decked out in heavy curtains, thick carpets, huge gold-framed mirrors, impeccable linen and tableware, elevator background music. The crowd was on the older side, mainly 40's-50's and the place was about half-full - probably not a good sign for a summer Saturday night. On the plus side, the waiters were really cute and the food was cooked well. I had the Moroccan lamb shanks as a main, and we shared the dessert platter afterwards. The lamb shanks were substantial, juicy and melt-in-the-mouth, and came with a rich tomato-based sauce. Rob's swordfish was unexpectedly moist.

We were about to order dessert and were told that the Turkish donuts had run out - I was shattered! Instead we settled for the dessert platter, which consisted of a berry pavlova (recommended), pannacotta (acceptable), a chocolate fondant and mint-chocolate ice-cream. Unfortunately the fondant was lacking the gooey interior that we were promised! All in all a good dinner, but I probably wouldn't go back. It's definitely a tick off my "to eat" list in Melbourne... now, to try all the other restaurants on the list! :-)

In cruise mode

Such a cruisy day today. Woke up late and chilled around the house until mid-afternoon. Usually I'm never home by myself so I've really enjoyed having some free time in the house over the past few days. I've gotten into playing the piano again; I'd forgotten how relaxing and satisfying playing was. Ironically I never felt this way when I actually needed to be practising, and it's nice to know that I still can play ok.

Afterwards, I finally bought the sneakers that I'd been trying to buy for about a week - they'd sold out of my size at the city stores and I hadn't had a chance to go into the city again after getting them to order it in. So went to Shoppo this afternoon and, after spending some time searching for a park in that crazy carpark, I went to Hype DC and they had my size.
The sales assistant was cute and really sweet - perfect for a job in sales I think! I may just need to go back and buy another pair of shoes from him haha...

Happy New Year!

A new year, a new blog! Once again I'm vowing to maintain a blog this year, so we'll see how it goes.

The past week's flown really quickly; only three more days then back to work again. To sum up the past few days:

• Matt's birthday - Hat party!
• Christmas day - Lunch at our place this year, the usual crowd. I tried my hand at being cocktail maker extraordinaire, and had two drinks on the menu - Midori Illusions (Midori, Lemon Bacardi, Lemonade, Pineapple juice) and Pimms (Pimms, Lemonade, Ginger Beer and cucumber), both topped off with berries. Drinks seemed to go down well, but somehow I got smashed during the day and was zonked and in bed by 9pm... perks of pouring drinks I suppose!
• Boxing day - went to Chaddy at 8:30am to squeeze into one of the last available parking spots. It was crazy inside, stores were messed up and it was simply carnage. Waited in the Country Road line for around half an hour to get a couple of cool shirts, then went to David Jones to get my Christmas present from parentals - a Mimco bag! :) After recovering with an afternoon nap, went to Fay's place for a bit of a get-together and met a few cool new people and definitely some interesting characters. Rock Band was the name of the game and I realise now that (if the game version is anything like the real thing) I am really bad at the drums!! I totally have no hand-foot co-ordination, which kind of makes sense now because I was never any good at using the pedals on the piano.
• Caught up with Jazz C for lunch on Saturday - was perfect weather so we headed into the city and had lunch at Notturno's in Carlton. I had the antipasto platter which was massive and awesome and frankly what I'd been searching for in the whole of Italy but only really found when we reached Rome. Grabbed gelati and afterwards shopped around in the city.
• Pot Luck night at Kelvin's - met up with work people and Kelvin's friend Dave at the apartment that Kelvin's flat-sitting for the next couple of months. I made Moroccan chicken from the Delicious cookbook, there was also noodles, salads, rice and a Jamie-inspired stew. Board games (articulate and pictionary) and Karaoke was the go for the night, and we headed out to Notturno's for coffees afterwards. Had an interesting conversation about the level of physical attraction people prefer in their relationships, and how much personality adds or decreases to the big picture.
• New Year's eve - headed into the city with Belinda for dinner and fireworks. A pretty chilled out night, and some D&M conversation about, well, boys really. Fireworks were amazing this year, and the crowd seemed quite impressed, though you always get the people that are impressed with the boring fireworks haha. There was a cover band playing at Docklands, and what was a little scary was the lead singer's classification of songs into genres. 'All the Small Things' was categorised into 'Classic Rock'! Sneaky sound system was retro and basically we just felt really really old. It was a nice way to end the year.